Our World is Grey
The city where you live used to be the most exciting place for me. Everytime I came to visit I got the world’s craziest butterflies. I don’t think I will ever feel that way again. Seeing you made my heart sink. Finally when we got older and were able to tell eachother how we felt, I discovered what is was like to be in love. Not just any in love, but the young true love where you don’t know any better. You think you found the one. You’re only in highschool but you know you two will be together. However, a few years went by and we did not end up together. I couldn’t take the heart break of long distance. I couldn’t take the disgusting feeling of having to leave after only a few days of bliss. It felt like my heart was being ripped out. You were a part of me and to be without you it took over me physically. Then after two years of our “break up” we met once again and I remembered that butterfly feeling, but I also felt a more mature feeling towards you. I had just broken up with a boyfriend of 2 years and you were continuing with your relationship, but we couldn’t help our feelings. Now this time I wanted to hold on. I didn’t want to ignore my feelings. I wanted you in my life again. But you had your girl and she was a safe bet. I deleted you from my life. Tried my best not to think about you. I moved on more than once. I knew that feeling of having to forget just to not feel the pain so I was doing it once more. Two more years past without seeing you. This weekend was the first time since that time you told me you didn’t want to risk being with me. I walked into the room hoping to see you and pretend that we didn’t have feelings but still engage in the overwhelming butterflies wrapped in conversation. However, you were with her. Your safe bet. The girl I will never be. I will never be near you, live near you, and love you without risk. When ever I see you it is electric. I feel my heart beat again. I don’t know if it because of the rush of memories taking over my mind and focus, but something overcomes me. I can feel you in the room. You’re the only thing I want to look at. I want to be near you. Yet I do everything in my power to not look and distance myself as much as possible. The hardest part was not saying hello to you. You used to be the sole reason why I went to these gatherings. I knew I would see you and feel alive. It used to be so exciting and heart breaking but I couldn’t help but love you and need to be around you. We used to be the center of eachother’s world. We used to be eachother’s world. I used to go to sleep thinking about being able to be with you. How it would be if we lived in the same city. How it would be to finally be with my middle school crush and then first love. Now I just got home and I’m feeling disappointed. I know we are both moved on and I have so much going on. You have her and I have them, but I can’t help but have a little bit of that same feeling I used to have when I separated from you. Everytime I left being around you. We didn’t even speak and I am feeling this way. Sometimes I feel like we have imprinted on eachother’s lives so much that we are a part of eachother. Even if we are no longer in love and don’t even speak it is like our bodies or our souls still belong to one another. They can live on their own but once they are reunited that separation still hurts. Now, I don’t know how to process how I am feeling. I wish I could tell you that you still have a hold on me. If you’d give me a chance I’d try to make something work. Maybe not romantically but there is something inside me that needs to be near you. As a lover or a friend. And I’ll never be able to describe it. I feel like if you read this you would understand. You know the feeling. We both felt it as soon as we saw each other. We were so young but when two souls are meant to be it it is known at the first interaction. What hurts the most is that I lied. I lied to her and everyone else. Once she confronted me I told her I didn’t care about you. That it was a silly high school. It was irrelevant to my current life. I feel terrible thinking about it, but I knew I had to say those things to set you free. I needed to let you know that I didn’t care and you needed to move on. I didn’t to make you give up that hope. It killed me. I wish there was a way that I could tell you that those things aren’t true, but there isn’t. You’re going to continue life thinking that I feel nothing. That it became nothing to me. But you are not. You’re a part of me. I pray that one day we bump into each other and have nothing holding us back. I want to end up with you. I don’t want to regret losing my first love, my true love.
The love of my life does not want me.
The school of my dreams does not want me.
The sororities on campus do not want me.
What is wrong with me?